the end of the tunnel. where's the light?

The best thing I can say about my life right now is that I’m not the person the ambulance is rushing off towards. I am not in a life or death emergency situation.

Yet my life hangs in the balance. A colossal amount of debt, a jobless market, and ridiculous expectations all lead to the horrible existence which is mine.

I owe god-knows how much money. Student loans, back rent, utility bills, credit card debt, and whatever else. It’s daunting.

It wouldn’t be so daunting if I had a job. And I try. I try amazingly hard. I’m trying harder than I did when I graduated for school in 2007. I knew I would get something, anything, then. But now there’s nada. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. There’s amazingly NOTHING! I’ve applied for easy sales positions at national chains; I’ve applied for part-time jobs with small offices. I’ve applied to medical offices, car dealers, interior designers, you name it. And I have nothing to show for it. A few lousy interviews (not necessarily on my part) and no job.

The worst of it all is the expectations. I have them coming in from all sides. My mother, my father, and my boyfriend. My mother assumes everything is fine and dandy. Somehow for almost 12 months I’ve gotten along with almost no financial input but of course I’m doing fine. My father thinks I’m being brave, strong, and positive throughout it all. I’m depressed, stressed, and deeply unhappy. My boyfriend thinks similar things to my mother and father. A bizarre mix of the two that is even worse then each belief alone. He has no idea the hole I’m in; he stills thinks that I’m floating along swimmingly. I’m sick of having completely contrary views about money from everyone else. “Broke” and “poor” mean completely different things to him and my friends than it does to me. “I’m broke” means that I am down to my last dime. And literally my last dime. Not the last dime until I have to dip into my savings or the last dime until my parents will kick to help me out. I’ve got nothing. Nothing beyond that last dime.

The worst expectations are always the ones you set for yourself. I know I’m not any of these things. I know that I’m not fine and dandy or brave, strong, and happy. But I do nothing to combat these ideals. I am like them any normal day. I am a positive person. I am strong and brave in the face of adversity. But as of late holding up this façade of myself has taken everything I have. Every shred of self-confidence and will. I am weak; I am scared; and most of all I am broke.